Overcoming, thriving, plateaued… what now? Same shit different day. I work my ass off; I’m proud and pleased with my progress. And in societal standards and pressures, I have very little. That’ll mess with your head. I am constantly overcoming obstacles, and the more I do, the less weight it holds. I am desensitized.

See ya never 2024! Here I am recovering from multiple surgeries for the 3rd year in a row, bringing the total to 15 in 26 months. What a strange holiday season tradition this has come to feel like: triggering, a blurring together with past surgeries, creating new trauma and grief. 

The end of the year can already feel like a season of grief. There’s a loneliness to the fall-holiday-winter transition; it can be comforting to embrace the solitude, curling inward. There’s great opportunity for reflection, nurturing, and practice with oneself. The drive to do so isn’t always there, but when I find the connection it serves me well.

One year of surviving and thriving! Thriving-adjacent resonates more with my experience over this last year.

This second year of recovery has been harder than the first. With most of my surgeries and big fixes behind me, yet continued and evolving pain and dysfunction throughout my body, financial worries, an ongoing lawsuit, I don’t know where I am now. There’s a significant weight to it—and persistent, never-ending grief.

I have been a bit stuck with my reflecting and writing this past many months, and finally it is flowing again… perhaps my 2 year accidentiversary on the horizon is to thank. Writing is medicine. It helps me process and integrate my trauma and work on preserving the bright spots, too.

Anyway, here’s another reflection of several more to come soon. Thank you for engaging as you are able and I love to hear what you think  

 I recently reviewed the donations I received after my life changed forever on 10/16/22. Wow did it hit me in the feels! I found comfort reading the sweet comments and remembering the widespread group who has supported me. Donations are just one of the many ways people have shown up. I cannot fathom where I would be without your support and love. THANK YOU! 

I am coming to terms with a more realistic vision for my future, seeking to break down the whispers and undercurrents of ableism in my hopes, seeing with a new light that is slightly devastating (if I’m being dramatic)... and ultimately beneficial.

Oh this precious energy... I am protective of it and also want to push myself, though rarely have the stamina to do all I imagine doing. I’m sure I’m not alone in this sentiment. Sometimes it is a struggle not to feel down by not doing enough.

The deeply-rooted, and often self-imposed, pressure to perform, to accomplish, is something I am constantly working on… be a human BEing not a human DOing.

I am learning to wear many hats and always come home to me. I have to be outside of myself in ways when navigating this healing journey and interacting with the necessary systems, especially with so many injuries.

I often feel like I’m witnessing the solar system, watching everything/one fly and orbit, and I’m immobilized. Moving into 2024 with the opportunity for reflection that I so value exacerbates this feeling of stuckness.

At times, I am overly conscious of my appearance, yet I also recognize I don’t necessarily look like what happened to me or what I am experiencing.

As I recover from surgery #10 (eyelid repair, with evolving complications) and approach #11 (jaw reconstruction), I want to share thoughts on appearance, another regular contemplation on this path.

Continuing my last thread re: inspiration, I’ve been thinking about pride vs ego…

I continue to marinate in the yummy feelings from our 1 year surviving and thriving weekend celebrations; I remain in awe of the whole experience. 

Announcement: 1 Year Surviving and Thriving Celebration

I want to explore the grief component of my mosaic…

9 month reflection post: I am a mosaic; a tangled web of trauma, grief, frustration, and pain as well as gratitude, joy, optimism, and pride.