Reflections Pt 10: Balancing as a Human BEing

Oh this precious energy... I am protective of it and also want to push myself, though rarely have the stamina to do all I imagine doing. Sometimes it is a struggle not to feel down by not doing enough. I know I’m not alone in this sentiment.

The deeply-rooted and often self-imposed pressure to perform, to accomplish, is something I am constantly working on… be a human BEing not a human DOing.

If I'm not careful, I spend most of my days stuck in sympathetic mode (fight or flight), as if my nervous system is on high alert. It’s understandable given what I continue to experience. And still, is important to shift out of this hypervigilance. I have many tools to support transitioning to parasympathetic (rest and digest), and am grateful for my providers of different backgrounds who have taught me well and continue to support me.

And yet, it is a funny realization that employing methods and practices to calm my nervous system — among all the other things that deeply support my recovery — can become a lot of doing in and of itself.

I’m conscious of the temptatious feeling brought by filling space and time with activity; it is a wonderful distraction from the present. I inadvertently cultivated this habit in my pre-accident life, and as another hidden gift of these unfortunate circumstances, have been pushed to reflect and work on undoing this practice of escape.

I’m getting better at noticing my patterns across the whole spectrum of human emotion and experience. The noticing helps encourage more moments of stillness. When my father passed away, my family came up with a motto of “no shoulds,” and I strive to continue following and embracing this with my whole heart.

I remain in reflection about: What’s my satiation level of “doing”? In all the doing I have to do, making room for some “want to do’s”, how to also be intentional in creating space for simply being? How can I relax into me? How can I be present now, with whatever is?

I yearn to feel balanced, and realize it is a neverending act of balancing, not ever landing and staying balanced. And that’s life.

I feel full and empty at the same time. And in the best moments, it feels peaceful.