Reflections Pt 9: Dissociating and Coming Home
I am learning to wear many hats and always come home to me.
I have to be outside of myself in ways when navigating this healing journey and interacting with the necessary systems, especially with so many injuries.
This shows up when I meet a provider, share what’s happened since we met, discuss next steps (I see >10, with different backgrounds and perspectives); look through documents for info to share with a provider or insurance rep or attorney, and consider how these documents have come to represent me; navigate bills that assign a monetary value to my survival and wellbeing; review insurance claims and formulate appeals; progress the lawsuit.
I have to learn the precise language to use with all of the above. And, maintain a gentle curiosity to ask questions and advocate for myself.
At the same time, I have to be in touch with what’s going on inside my body and discern what’s important to share in each context.
I can only listen to so much at one time; I think my body protects me in tuning out much of the pain and discomfort. If I were caught up in all of what’s going on in my body/mind/spirit, I might not be able to speak the right language. I may leave something out or share irrelevant information in that moment or appointment.
It is a difficult and delicate dance. I make mistakes often, and continue to learn from them.
It can be hard on the heart to see oneself in the eyes of the medical, insurance, or law systems. I wrestle with not letting myself feel defined, or wholly represented, in any one perspective. I am in there somewhere, and most of what makes me me, is not depicted in any of those. She is somewhere else, and right now there are only hints of spaciousness for evolving and knowing outside of the context of everything I’m navigating.
I imagine that I leave my body to have these necessary conversations, dissociating in a way, and taking on the appropriate perspective and language. I do this so I can come home to me at the end of the day, letting go of all the other input and staying with what is truly and only, me. It is an exhausting practice, and a helpful way to navigate. I fail at this often, and learn from that too.
