Reflections Pt 8: New Year

I often feel like I’m witnessing the solar system, watching everything/one fly and orbit, and I’m immobilized. Moving into 2024 with the opportunity for reflection that I so value exacerbates this feeling of stuckness.

The care coordinating, advocacy, moving targets, insurance battles, ongoing lawsuits, and periods of clarity followed by unending questions and uncertainty, overwhelm me. 

2023 was an unfamiliar and unexpected year. And while immensely grateful for the life that I do have, I am worn down and feel that life is out of my control. It is difficult to make plans (present or future) as I don’t know what will come up or what life will be like, I don’t know when I will have the capacity to work again, and it is isolating when seemingly unrelatable things consume my life. There is immense grief to work through.

I have moments where I yearn to be the old me and who I was growing to be before the accident. I had just finished grad school, was building my freelance portfolio, and looking forward to having more free time without the constraints of being a full-time student while also working. 

So many things are different now... of course they are. I will forever be this new and evolving me. I have a hard time even envisioning what a spacious life will feel and look like and am unsure, when the time comes, how I will want to spend my time.

And, though I hate to admit it, I feel envious reading wonderful New Year's reflections filled with excitement, adventure, and normalcy that I am missing.

2023 held space for joy, community, healing, growth, fun, and honing a new perspective on life that in many ways is a gift. Despite my mosaic of feelings and difficulty re-integrating into “normalcy”, I continue to exceed expectations. I still find inspiration, optimism, and gratitude most days for things big and small and move through my days feeling mostly joyful. 

I continue to work on letting my thoughts and feelings be what they are, appreciating them, leaning into whatever comes up, and knowing so deeply that life is good. 

We’re all riding the rollercoaster. I hope you can find love, joy, and awe in the highs and the lows - I strive to.