Reflections Pt 7: Invisible Illness/Trauma

At times, I am overly conscious of my appearance, yet I also recognize I don’t necessarily look like what happened to me or what I am experiencing. The mosaic of thoughts and feelings, plus ass-kicking hard work and resolve, that are creating this version of me are not always apparent to the world. A helpful reminder that we never know what someone is going through. 

While my previous head injuries provided many lessons about living with “invisible illness,” I didn’t expect a similar experience now when my injuries were so widespread and unmistakably present. 

For what felt like a long time right after the accident, I didn’t know what my body looked like. I was covered in bandages, had no idea of the wounds or scars underneath, and didn’t even understand the extent of my injuries. I asked again and again for hospital staff to please give me a summary, only fully understanding after combing through medical records to compile a list myself. Even then, the information often didn’t match up, so it took a while to get it right (if you’re curious, the list is under "current state").

Now, however, after 13+ months of determination and deep focus on my health and well-being, I don’t limp, I look and feel strong, and I’ve been told that my scars don’t walk into the room first. The more I realize I look normal-ish, the more I am surprised and sometimes put off by the idea of it. At the same time, it feels good. 

Still, my scars and facial structure often raise questions or concerns. The overthinker in me comes out with each new person I encounter - do I want them to know what happened? Do I need them to? Even with people I knew before there are similar questions I ask myself, reinforcing a big question I continue to answer, “how does or doesn’t my survival story impact my identity?” 

At times, I feel that I have a big secret… because I do.

My daily existence continues to be centered around the accident - appointments, coordinating care, being my best advocate, endless conversations with insurance, nutrition, exercise, rest, the lawsuit, etc… it is quite a strange and surreal existence and can be hard to explain, or sometimes even know, who I am underneath.