Reflections Pt 6: Appearance

As I recover from surgery #10 (eyelid repair, with evolving complications) and approach #11 (jaw reconstruction), I want to share thoughts on appearance, another regular contemplation on this path. While both surgeries are deeply functional in purpose, they also seek to bring me closer to how I looked before.

It is not always a pleasant experience for me to look in the mirror or see a photograph of myself. I believe that I am beautiful and feel settled with the changes to my appearance most of the time, and still am often startled by what I see.

The many changes I continue to go through affect me mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and in how I move through the world. Although I don’t love to admit it, appearance is a big one.

We learn through experience how to interact with the world and how the world, in turn, interacts with us. Many patterns of interaction happen because of characteristics we did not choose, that we have to learn to notice and work with.

Being an attractive female comes with privileges and challenges that one learns to navigate over time. For example, how heterosexual men often treat you, interactions in the workplace, the common root of compliments, how people talk about you and to you, first impressions.

It is a shock to the system when this characteristic, structural experience, is no longer there. I was both attached and resistant to that part of my identity, and now that it’s altered, my being is confused. My new appearance brings a different response from people–a double-take ridden with concern–and perhaps it is a reflection of how I see myself, the discomfort and confusion I experience when interacting with others. Are they mesmerized by the way my mouth does and doesn’t move? By my uneven teeth? By my scars? By my awkward eyelid position? Is this vanity?

I am getting used to this face, giving her all my love, while working on letting go of the idea that my appearance will ever return to what it was before. And that’s ok! Only by listening with intention to what startles the nervous system, despite how painful it can be, are we able to work through it. After all, we are our biggest critics – and champions <3