Reflections Pt 5: Inspiration, Pride, Ego

Continuing my last thread re: inspiration, I’ve been thinking about pride vs ego. Pride keeps us afloat if it remains an intrinsic motivator and if ego does not take over. 

I’m mostly certain I’m not ego-driven because, truthfully, I often feel uncomfortable with all of this. Yet, it undeniably builds me up to hear I am doing amazing things, that I am in ways a role model. I feel proud.

I also didn’t choose to respond this way or weigh my options post-accident…I just did how I did. I often wonder if I am living up to what people say about me. 

I try to remember to sit still and check in with myself instead of getting caught up in the perception of others, while also leaning into the yumminess of being recognized and lifted up.

It is a delicate dance not to let ego creep in when regularly hearing how inspiring you are, or that someone can’t imagine being as strong or resilient. I try to listen while recognizing the beauty and power each of us holds. 

I think my power is simply shining in this moment, due to unfortunate circumstances. We all have our place, are all connected and necessary. I feel more and more that part of my role right now is to empower others to be strong in the face of adversity, to approach challenge head on, to not let things - big or small - bring them down.

I say all of this with a big smile, behind which is some discomfort in talking about myself in this way. 

Back to my late night accident-iversary realization that I’ll never be 1 again… I know I won’t lose inspiration and motivation. And, having made it a whole year, doing so well, I feel loss. Grieving the many milestones that have passed, I wonder what’s next. 

I know there will always be more to celebrate! At the same time, part of me worries that what happened/is happening to me, my continued trauma and recovery, will become old news. It will be very present for me and my family for some time.

As I heal from one surgery and approach another, I am in a period of deep rest and recovery. Again. I’m trying not to ruminate on “Will I lose the many improvements I’ve made?” and instead consider, “How do I want to feel/be during this next phase? How can I make the most of today?”