Reflections Pt 15: what now…
Overcoming, thriving, plateaued… what now? Same shit different day. I work my ass off; I’m proud and pleased with my progress. And in societal standards and pressures, I have very little. That can mess with your head. I am constantly overcoming obstacles; the more I do, the less weight it holds. I am desensitized.
Reviewing reports about me from various experts is challenging, exhausting, and fascinating. I don’t always agree with what’s said, I find the methodology interesting, and then I remember it is about me… what does it mean for my identity?
When my story isn’t told fully or accurately in my eyes, how hard do I fight to make it so? I have to decide what’s worth defending, and recognize there are many truths. No one will ever know my story in its entirety.
When I imagine a jury hearing, it feels key that my most important parts are shared. I also appreciate that experts are masters of their perspective. They are involved for a reason. I/we need them.
So, who am I to say what’s most important?
*big full breath in, out; feel my feet on the earth*
I have little control over many aspects of my life. I am at the whim of numerous systems and processes. We’re told to focus on what we can control and sure, I can control my outlook, where I put my energy. Yet where do I find a sense of agency in this existence with seemingly so little? At the same time, look at all I have accomplished! If that’s not power, I don’t know what is. It is complicated…
Sometimes I wish to be lighter. In convos with new or old friends, I feel heavy. It’s hard to imagine my life without everything that has consumed me since the collision. It’s why, at times, I’m not sure who I am outside of it all.
I’m finding balance in vulnerability, wanting to be seen, wanting to hide from others and even myself, and knowing I am worthy of taking up space.
I have felt isolated and socially anxious as my world feels immensely un-relatable. This doesn’t make me an inaccessible person. Despite this ongoing unique and formative experience, I can still relate. I am not alone.
There is reciprocity in relationship with the world around us, and I don’t need to look very hard to feel it.
